What am I supposed to do?

I realize that this is a larger question than can be examined in one blog post, but I promise we're dealing with a smaller question than what is Hannah supposed to do in her life?

What am I supposed to do today? Right now. Tomorrow. Basically what am I supposed to do from now until Wednesday, which right now I see as the heavenly day of salvation. My guess is it will actually just be another ordinary day...but let me backtrack a bit.

I read a friend's away message just now and it says, "how can you further God's kingdom if you're so caught up in yours?"

And I just looked at it. It's not that I don't understand that that question is supposed to hit you with a punch and re-examine what one's life is focused on at the moment, and how you should change that. And normally, I am simply the kind of person that I take that and feel the Lutheran guilt (even though I'm not Lutheran) and try to make some adjustments. Or at least I just feel bad about it and try to do better the next day.

But instead tonight, I looked at that message and felt like shouting up at the heavens, "WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME DO?"

The same away message contained the link: www.ninemillion.org. I'd never heard of it before so of course I go check it out and find yet another organization working on saving various pieces of the world, this time in Uganda, Azerbaijan and and Thailand working with refugee children and raising money to give them education and access to "play" - with the Right to Play organization and UNHCR. Sounds like some amazing work. Definetly a worthy use of money and time. (Definitely an organization that could be subject to the question of how big of a change you can make in far away places...back to Gandhi again.) However, it's definitely a group that is giving refugees the tools to change their futures and I think that's great.

I read in the Indianapolis Star today an article about a man, 90 years old who is starting a community center in a poor area on the west side of Indianapolis. He's been serving the poor in the Indianapolis area for the last 20 years and has some very specific ideas about how to enable the kids and families in the area to bring Stringtown out of poverty. Amazing. Goodness knows he's making a difference.

I give these two snippets of information for the simple reason that I look at them in awe. Two examples of people doing wonderful work to change the lives of others. Something I aspire to do.

However, over the past few days I've been seemingly incapable of doing anything.

I've worked all summer to give 47 students (and the many people working in connection with their program) a positive experience. An experience that in the grand scheme of things will not change the world...and yet is part of the education transformation helps change minds and hearts in a way that does dramatically shape this world. I come to the end exhausted. Things did not work so well. And though it seems that I was set up to fail...it still seems that it is failure and it does not sit well.

I was told by someone wise that I simply cannot try and reflect on this experience yet. I'm trying not too. I've been told by those close enough to this experience that I will have learned many things and that when I look back I'll be able to see that I made a difference. I'm not so sure of that.

As I type these words I look at them and know them, but I'm numb to their meaning. I simply want someone to look over my shoulder for the next 36 hours and tell me what to do, when i'm doing to much, when i'm doing too little, when to smile, laugh, cry, or show anger, when to be mean, when to say, "i really will miss you" and that yes, it really was a good experience.

But that won't happen. And so I'm left feeling numb and exhausted with 36 more hours to work with people who have bartered with me, taken advantage of my flexibility and effort, people who have given me a hard time, people I've laughed with and cried over, people i feel honored to know and yet helpless to deal with. And when they leave I will then face the piles that have been ignored in their absence. Piles of books that contain information that I need to learn if I'm ever to make a difference in this world. Piles of information that needed sort through. Piles of projects that I would love to work on. Piles of phone calls to return.

And none of those piles are actively helping anyone but myself in the short run. All of those piles create this world that I am supposedly too caught up in. But I can't see the line anymore. I don't know how to get out of my world, and I don't know which world I'm supposed to help.

My immediate world is 47 people that I have no energy to be postive about anymore. My immediate world is my friends, my boyfriend and my family who deserve more patience, understanding, and attention that any part of me has to give right now.

And these days I don't care. I want to move to an island by myself and stop caring about all the issues I know the world is facing. I want to stop using the gifts that God gave me, maybe then they will dissapear. I want to be selfish and not aspire to anything more that getting a job, coming home and loving my family. Why is that not enough?

What am I supposed to do? Huh? Tonight, tomorrow, Tuesday? Where do I find the energy to do something more than just survive? And if I'm not supposed to do more than is required then why can't someone flip the switch inside of me and tell me that's okay?