Thoughts before beginning this week: OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!
Up ahead: 1 Test, 1 Paper, Lots of Homework that is not done yet. Launching the Viva la Vote! Campaign, publishing the SALT Shaker, Writing a lot of stuff, F. Haus stuff, Writing Center Shifts, DA Shifts, Arabic...oh gawd, Arabic, oh and then there's that honors thesis to think about.
Is college life preparing you for adult life? Or showing you what you should not do in adult life?
Now there's a conundrum to think about.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Thoughts on Studying Abroad...
So, ever since I've returned to Valpo I've been sort of haunted about leaving again to study abroad. Ever since I said it out loud I've been trying to deal with the fact that I'm scared, and there are many things that make me simply not want to do it.
For example -
I have no desire to go alone and experience it alone.
I have no desire to go through that month long dive into a foreign culture, with a language that I'm completely inept at, be homesick, be friendsick, and oh yeah, BE ALONE.
That idea simply sucks.
And yet I know that I have to because 1) I would regret not doing so. 2) It's the only way I'll be able to figure out what I want to do at some point in the future. 3) It's the plan, damn it. And whether or not I knew what the hell I was doing when I made that plan, well. I made it. And what else would I really do anyway? It's not like Valpo has an abundance of Middle Eastern courses anyway...
Which is what made me occur to write this post. I'm filling out my 2nd study abroad application, this one to Al-Akhawayn University and I had to pick my top ten course choices and put them in order of priority. Wow. I couldn't pick. There were so many good ones to choose from! Moroccan History, North African Government, Economic Development in North Africa & the Middle East, Islamic Art & Architecture, The Middle East and the United States, International Law, Women and Society...I could go on and on! Wow. Amazing.
When I was talking to Kellee tonight, she told me should would go back and relive the initial suckiness of Mexico again rather than trade the experience. I'm sure that's true.
I just can't help feeling like I will be that slim percentage of people who really just don't enjoy their study abroad experience. Of course, that's also scary since what does that say about my major? But then if I do turn out to love it...what will that change about my life in the future?
Does the fear ever go away in adulthood or does it just change?
For example -
I have no desire to go alone and experience it alone.
I have no desire to go through that month long dive into a foreign culture, with a language that I'm completely inept at, be homesick, be friendsick, and oh yeah, BE ALONE.
That idea simply sucks.
And yet I know that I have to because 1) I would regret not doing so. 2) It's the only way I'll be able to figure out what I want to do at some point in the future. 3) It's the plan, damn it. And whether or not I knew what the hell I was doing when I made that plan, well. I made it. And what else would I really do anyway? It's not like Valpo has an abundance of Middle Eastern courses anyway...
Which is what made me occur to write this post. I'm filling out my 2nd study abroad application, this one to Al-Akhawayn University and I had to pick my top ten course choices and put them in order of priority. Wow. I couldn't pick. There were so many good ones to choose from! Moroccan History, North African Government, Economic Development in North Africa & the Middle East, Islamic Art & Architecture, The Middle East and the United States, International Law, Women and Society...I could go on and on! Wow. Amazing.
When I was talking to Kellee tonight, she told me should would go back and relive the initial suckiness of Mexico again rather than trade the experience. I'm sure that's true.
I just can't help feeling like I will be that slim percentage of people who really just don't enjoy their study abroad experience. Of course, that's also scary since what does that say about my major? But then if I do turn out to love it...what will that change about my life in the future?
Does the fear ever go away in adulthood or does it just change?
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
I want off this ride...
So it is early in the morning of September 12, in the year 2006 and I am coming to terms with the fact that this emotional, intellectual rollercoaster that I've been on basically ever since I arrived back on campus...is not ending anytime soon.
This is not a happy realization for me, as I've been treating it as normal and sort of been trying to deal with it by talking about it as something "wierd" to the people that I love...when it may simply be the new normal. Whatever normal is. This is probably not a good thing since more and more details seem to be escaping me, my motivation goes from extreme highs and lows very quickly, as do my feelings of happiness and despair, and of course you know there are those lovely college student fears that seem to envelope me on some days.
It's like a funk that I cannot get out of. And normally I would not put this on my little blog, which I have carefully designed the parameters of (see title) so as to differentiate it from an online journal, xanga, facebook note, myspace page, etc. You (the reader whoever you are, most likely imaginary) don't care about my personal melodrama. At least a step up is my ponderings about life which might at least remind you about your own ponderings or opinions and then you could participate in my internal dialogue in the form of a comment.
Such is the theory of this thing called the blog I believe. Maybe I misunderstood.
Anyway, all of that is to say that I believe this rollercoaster is making me face, well, ME.
The me that is Hannah today and not Hannah two years ago, or six months ago, or even a month and a half ago. The Hannah that has completed two years of college, spent 5 months in DC interning, spent 2 months in a different internship that sucked the energy out of her.
This is Hannah that often does not care and yet still remembers caring way too much about the world.
This is the Hannah who believes in community and is beginning to see what she wants in her life for real. Not the dreams of highschool, or the dreams designed by society or my parental unit, or my friends.
This is the Hannah who's realizing the limits of academia and yet fearful of the openness of action.
This is the Hannah who still follows through on ideas and yet regrets doing so more quickly than before.
This is the Hannah that gets tired much quicker and is not sure why.
This is the Hannah who hopes to goodness that it's okay if she changes and wonders if it's not too late.
This is not a happy realization for me, as I've been treating it as normal and sort of been trying to deal with it by talking about it as something "wierd" to the people that I love...when it may simply be the new normal. Whatever normal is. This is probably not a good thing since more and more details seem to be escaping me, my motivation goes from extreme highs and lows very quickly, as do my feelings of happiness and despair, and of course you know there are those lovely college student fears that seem to envelope me on some days.
It's like a funk that I cannot get out of. And normally I would not put this on my little blog, which I have carefully designed the parameters of (see title) so as to differentiate it from an online journal, xanga, facebook note, myspace page, etc. You (the reader whoever you are, most likely imaginary) don't care about my personal melodrama. At least a step up is my ponderings about life which might at least remind you about your own ponderings or opinions and then you could participate in my internal dialogue in the form of a comment.
Such is the theory of this thing called the blog I believe. Maybe I misunderstood.
Anyway, all of that is to say that I believe this rollercoaster is making me face, well, ME.
The me that is Hannah today and not Hannah two years ago, or six months ago, or even a month and a half ago. The Hannah that has completed two years of college, spent 5 months in DC interning, spent 2 months in a different internship that sucked the energy out of her.
This is Hannah that often does not care and yet still remembers caring way too much about the world.
This is the Hannah who believes in community and is beginning to see what she wants in her life for real. Not the dreams of highschool, or the dreams designed by society or my parental unit, or my friends.
This is the Hannah who's realizing the limits of academia and yet fearful of the openness of action.
This is the Hannah who still follows through on ideas and yet regrets doing so more quickly than before.
This is the Hannah that gets tired much quicker and is not sure why.
This is the Hannah who hopes to goodness that it's okay if she changes and wonders if it's not too late.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
September Begins...
Wow. So...the rollercoaster of my life continues with so many emotions and thoughts this weekend!
Good conversations, good ponderings, some things done, many things left undone, frustration, questioning, feeling connected to my faith, feeling to connected in my relationship, in my friendships. Ah...the rollercoaster!!!
But a few thoughts to put down on paper, so to speak.
First of all, Prof. Wangerin's sermon was amazing today. So challenging. So needed. He preached on Mark 7:1-8; 14-15; 21-23 and talked about how we as humans must not follow human inventions but God's commandments. That even if we're doing things that seem right in human terms, that if they are not on God's terms then we have to change it. He wove these stories in and around this central message in that wonderful way of his so that it just spoke his message in words that made you want to align your life with God then and there. Just re-evaluate priorities, put God first, attempt to act right in every situation.
I struggled a lot in the service, becuase my problem is not accepting this idea it's figuring out HOW to do that. In leadership, in friendships, in prioritizing projects. God gets pretty specfic in Mark..."It is from within, from the human heart, that evil intentions come: fornication, theft, murder, adultery, avarice, wickedness, deceit, licentiousness, envy, slander, pride, folly. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person." And yet, it is within these sins that things get tricky. God didn't write a book with specific advice for each situation...we're left to struggle with how to serve him and obey him within each context. And it certainly isn't easy. Come on God? I mean...really!?!
Other things from this weekend....Fellowship House Dinner & Meeting was full of blessings. God is working certainly. Bible Study...God was working indeed. It's been a very God-intensive weekend, which was interesting because I've been feeling very out of the faith loop in some ways. Habitat for Humanity build...interesting. Migraines, lack of sleep, tiredness, late-night conversations, evening goofiness. Happy roommate moments. Unhappy homework moments. Wierd future-thinkng moments. Interesting reading moments...feminist theory on international realtions, what?!?! Talking to others who feel the Valpo Culture shock after being away. Watching the Merchant of Venice (boo!). Thinking about how my response to "Of course you can't save the world" is different than it was a year ago. Realizing that I am a different person than I was two years ago and beginning to be okay with that.
Changes, changes...could the roller coaster just slow down a little so I can take it in please?
Good conversations, good ponderings, some things done, many things left undone, frustration, questioning, feeling connected to my faith, feeling to connected in my relationship, in my friendships. Ah...the rollercoaster!!!
But a few thoughts to put down on paper, so to speak.
First of all, Prof. Wangerin's sermon was amazing today. So challenging. So needed. He preached on Mark 7:1-8; 14-15; 21-23 and talked about how we as humans must not follow human inventions but God's commandments. That even if we're doing things that seem right in human terms, that if they are not on God's terms then we have to change it. He wove these stories in and around this central message in that wonderful way of his so that it just spoke his message in words that made you want to align your life with God then and there. Just re-evaluate priorities, put God first, attempt to act right in every situation.
I struggled a lot in the service, becuase my problem is not accepting this idea it's figuring out HOW to do that. In leadership, in friendships, in prioritizing projects. God gets pretty specfic in Mark..."It is from within, from the human heart, that evil intentions come: fornication, theft, murder, adultery, avarice, wickedness, deceit, licentiousness, envy, slander, pride, folly. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person." And yet, it is within these sins that things get tricky. God didn't write a book with specific advice for each situation...we're left to struggle with how to serve him and obey him within each context. And it certainly isn't easy. Come on God? I mean...really!?!
Other things from this weekend....Fellowship House Dinner & Meeting was full of blessings. God is working certainly. Bible Study...God was working indeed. It's been a very God-intensive weekend, which was interesting because I've been feeling very out of the faith loop in some ways. Habitat for Humanity build...interesting. Migraines, lack of sleep, tiredness, late-night conversations, evening goofiness. Happy roommate moments. Unhappy homework moments. Wierd future-thinkng moments. Interesting reading moments...feminist theory on international realtions, what?!?! Talking to others who feel the Valpo Culture shock after being away. Watching the Merchant of Venice (boo!). Thinking about how my response to "Of course you can't save the world" is different than it was a year ago. Realizing that I am a different person than I was two years ago and beginning to be okay with that.
Changes, changes...could the roller coaster just slow down a little so I can take it in please?
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