Reflections on 2006

Reflections, lessons learned, and memories from 2006:

It's hard to believe the year is through and yet looking back over the past 12 months in seems crazy that so much happened.

I started out the year looking towards a semester in Washington DC which was full of wonderful enriching experiences from living with 3 fabulous roommates to interning at the Middle East Institute and going to programs and conferences all over the city. I learned so much. It's nice to feel like all of my reading and listening certainly paid off, as I feel my understanding of international relations, politics and the Middle East increased tremendously during my stay. As well, though I realize there is still a huge amount to learn I think I have a more realistic view of how things work in DC, job opportunities, and the possibility of a future "in the beltway" life after my 5 months living right off the orange line. (Ah, Metro. How I miss thee.)

I learned I like the pace of daily work life. I love mass transportation. I love having a library a few metro stops away. I love having people around me who read the newspaper daily, know what's going on in the world, and challenge me to understand the world in different ways. I love hearing different languages when I walk down the street. And most importantly my love affair with our nation's capital city did not dwindle while I was there. But I did learn that its important to have a community around you. Having 3 wonderful roommates to come home to made the experience feel both safe and more fun. I enjoyed finding a church home that I enjoyed and getting to know a few people at my internship.

After DC I came home (albeit somewhat reluctantly) and intern at UIndy in the International Studies office and designed a program for almost 50 international students who came to stay for 6 weeks during the summer. This was a challenging experience which for all its bitter moments I think was important for me. It taught me a number of things about leadership, about relationships between people, and also how to deal with what I perceived as failures in some respects. I think I will always look back on the experience as one of those bridge times that is tinged with both regret and pride, lessons and pain. Yet, I also have to remind myself of the job that came from working directly with the students and the fun moments that I did have with them whether driving to and from Walmart, going to Chicago, or making middle-of-the-night hospital runs. That internship also should have taught me the lesson about the hazards of putting myself under too much stress.

Alas, I am stubborn and ignored that lesson...my unfortunate reward was this past semester. Biggest lesson of the fall: mixing 19 credits, an honors thesis, a campus-wide voting campaign, a job at the Writing Center, being editor of the SALT Shaker, living in an intentional Christian-living community, pushing paperwork for a semester abroad plus friendships, a realtionship, homework for 19 credits-worth of class, bible study, and various other projects that came up along the way = a very very very bad idea.

So what did I learn?

Breakdowns are messy but sometimes necessary.
Friends who stick by you when things suck are treasures.
ITunes is a wonderful diversion.
One can write an honors thesis amidst a stressful semester with the help of a bit of focus, many books, many hours of despair, ITunes, caffeine, and perhaps skipping a few classes.
Taking a 9:00 am gen/ed requirement pass fail encourages skipping.
Lattes have a profound effect on me and some of them do taste good.
Failure happens...and while it is painful and sucky, its the only way to learn sometimes.
I can only edit 7 papers in a row before becoming grumpy.
Truth commissions are fascinating. And the study of transitional justice just so happens to combine many of the things I love to study.
Sometimes even if you try really hard you cannot change the status quo and you definitely can't do so with a committed team. And it's really not worth trying to keep a project going by yourself.
Asking for help is okay. So is being angry or sad. But like everything there is a balance and even when the going gets tough if you ignore the balance too long everything does fall apart.
I lose things when I'm stressed.
Putting up a hammock does not enduce spontaneous relaxation.
Wrapping paper can be wallpaper in dorms.
Egg nog makes a party.
I can spend more than 12 hours straight in the Christopher Center.
Sometimes I hate Valpo.
Sometimes the idea of quitting everything is very appealing. And when it is most appealing the only question that can be asked: is after two weeks of quitting everything will I be happier in that place?
God is big enough to handle anger. But he's also big enough to handle confusion, despair, denial, and prayer. And he does have a plan (Okay I haven't learned that last one. That's just my hope).
Every semester ends. And when it does you get to pack up what has been your life and start something new. And though I know its the only real time we get to do that in our lives...I've never been more thankful of this fact than this semester.

And now after two weeks of Christmas break. I'm reminded that no matter what we think of ourselves and our values and high philosophic ideals...life looks different on the couch with your family around.

So the year ends. Here are a few things I believe/know/think right now.

• Communities are the building blocks of society. Different ideas of how communities should work, how they should be organized, who should have power and money and why, how things get done, and how conflicts begin continues to be the basis of most of what both fascinates and perplexes me.
• The field of international relations fascinates me. World poltics, governance, conflict...all of it is such an intriguing mix of formality, spontanity, history, culture, miscommunication and misunderstanding, obstinancy, economics, power, chance, and change. Now after a few classes in IR basics, the fact that there are so many different lenses through which people view, explain and predict international relations...I feel like I'm hooked all the more. Everytime I feel like finding something else to study, something pulls me back - globalization, feminist theory, just war theory, transitional justice, economic development, post-conflict reconstruction...I just wish I knew which direction I was being pulled.
• The World's Problems: Peace is only achievable by mass cooperation of people all over the world. Solving many of the world's problems (hunger, AIDs, sweatshops, nuclear proliferation, etc) requires a similiar feat. Until we learn how to do that better we have to continue with the system of the status quo as slow, ignorant, and unwieldy as it is. If I could pick the way of the future, we would continue to build international institutions like the UN and invest our resources and diplomacy there to make the system efficient and productive. Yet, while I am of the international institutionalist liberal strain...I understand the need for a measure of realism, and I am torn by the real need for nation-building in the United States. We need leaders to be able to reach into the problems facing our nation in the 21st Century, stop lollygagging and really solve the health care crisis, sort out the immigration disaster, end the practice of hedging our bets with the budget, fix our education system and change the way Americans learn, promote fair economic strategies, and lead the country and making some decisions about our country's values. How they are going to do that? I have no bloody idea. But for right now people like me can put their hopes in people whose leadership is more liberal and more polished than George W. Bush's and hope the rest falls in line. When it doesn't, maybe a new wave of leaders will be born.
• Making Things Right: [See end of last past] It's not always possible to make things right. But it is always necessary to try if you have the strength and the opportunity. Sometimes the simple act of trying can be very powerful and brings about an opportunity for things to be made right that never would have been. Sometimes it doesn't.
• I am a proponent of restorative justice rather than retributive justice.
• The arts enrich society. I believe we as people need music, film, art, theater, literature. We need artists, musicians, and writers to push our society in new directions, to remind of us of what is important, and to show us how we are reflected worldwide.
• My attitude towards failure and success are more existenstial than ever before. I say this somewhat ashamedly as this may simply be because I am young and finding my life changing at a rapid pace. But either way here's what I believe: Sometimes things are and sometimes they are not. Sometimes they are not. Sometimes we as humans interepret reality as failure or success when they are neither. Sometimes we ignore failure when we should not and sometimes success is impossible. Either way, we still have to think carefully about what success is and then work towards it. Otherwise, our actions would seem to be meaningless. We can't ignore failure, nor can we escape it...though all of us discover it at different times which I think explains differing levels of arrogance at times. If we learn from both our successes and failures we'll be better off.
• Loss is simply painful. Growth after loss is never simple but not always painful.
• The future resists being planned. And I'm happy to say that I'm okay with it not being planned most of the times these days. Does that mean I wouldn't like to know whether I'm going to grad school or going to be able to find a job or whatever in the next few years...hell no. And yet, life without a plan has its own allures and takes a way a thick line of stress off the spine so I'm going for it as much as I can. But it would be helpful if people would stop asking the million dollar question after learning my major: "So what are you going to do with that?" GAH.
• Faith in God is an absure mix of simple and complicated, confusing and clear, frustrating and joyess. Hopefully I'll figure out a bit more in the close eventuality.

I'm 20 years old and still trying to decide whether I'm suppose to live like I'm going to be 80 or only 25. I get confused about the call to live simply and the call to not waste. I want to help bring about change but it sometimes seems impossible when the only people who get to change the world on a large scale (typed with some facetiousness) have a masters degree, a PhD and job experience. Changing on a local level seems natural and obvious but would be a lot easier if everyone was in SALT. I get tired a lot and am hoping my old level of energy kicks in. I like being the host but get nervous as the guest. I don't like being onstage unless I'm not acting or performing and I know what I'm talking about. Since that last part hasn't really happened yet most public appearances are tinged with a bit of purple embarassment. I'm learning more about my family and feeling a bit secure and a bit out of place. I enjoy watching my siblings grow up. But sadly still look about 16. I don't wish I was 21 so I could get drunk but I would like a nice glass of wine so that I can fall asleep. I get frustrated when things aren't done well but am starting to realize that frustration does not have to be an impetus towards changing it or doing it myself. I like an approrpiate level of stress as motivation but can't handle the "everything is hanging over my head" kind. My friends are precious to me. I'm going abroad in 16 days.

MTR Strikes Again: The Last Kiss

I took a seminar this past fall entitled "Making Things Right."

Now the theme follows me everywhere.

Today, I watched a movie I had picked up at the store entitled The Last Kiss. I knew nothing about it except that it starred Zach Braff and Rachel Bilson. I figured it for a light chick flick.

Instead, I watched the screen for 115 minutes and found myself not only laughing and enjoying the film, but also staring at the raw honesty depicted on the screen.

The film follows a number of couples, most around age 30 (with the exception of an older couple exquistely played by Blythe Danner and Tom Wilkinson) as their relationships crumble for one reason or another. Yet they are woven together in such a way that the true story is about relationality in general.

The characters are human, none of the Hollowoodizing, junky, fairytalelike characters. These characters make mistakes, yell, cuss, laugh, cry, and slam doors. They are strong, they are vulnerable, they are broken. They seem to truly represent people.

Too often characters in making things right tales seem so far away - too dramatized, or historic, or simply so fantastical that its hard to really identify with them. We take their lines and keep them as our favorite quotes as if they guide our lives in some way. Whether in books or movies, we tend to gravitate towards these characters and hold them up as characters who figured it out. Whatever it is at the moment. Yet, they don't stick. At the end of the day they are simply fantasy. Their wisdom doesn't hold true in real life where relationships are hard, friendships fall away, and the true meaning of family seems startingly confused.

This movie struck me as the opposite. It is a story of these people's relationships at a crucial time in all of their lives. It shows their mistakes, their would-be failures. It shows people succumbing to temptation, confronting failure, being paralized by fear, suffering pain and loss, realizing regret, practicing forgiveness... This film acknowledges that relationships are hard and that sometimes they don't work out. But most importantly shows that when relationships do work it doesn't just happen by magic, they take work and communication and honesty and strength and forgiveness. And sometimes even in relationships that strive for perfection in all these areas still fall apart when something else goes wrong.

At the end of the film, some of them "made things right" in Hollywood terms and some didn't. But that wasn't the point. The point was the journey, the raw honesty, the pain, the struggle, the discovery, and the power of relationships, of friendships, of family. The power of people to love, and to hurt, and to forgive.

I think this film represents the idea that not all things can be made right. At least not in the "fairytale, everyone is happy, everything is just, everything is restored" sense. Yet, I do believe that sometimes the only way to make things right is to realize that the past cannot be. Sometimes coming to terms with that fact and finding a way to deal with the new reality is the only way to make the present right. But whether this also makes the past right...I'm not so sure. I think the movie's message is that it is ultimately a choice.

Will the person wronged forgive and allow the past to be made right in the scope of the present? Will the wrongdoer attempt to make things right? If one of the parties refuses, can the other still make things right? Can things be made right without truth, vulnerability, communication, strength, and life?

Composing a Life

An Excerpt from Mary Catherine Bateson's Composing a Life:

"In a stable society, composing a life is somewhat like throwing a pot or building a house in a traditional form: the materials are known, the hands move skillfully in tasks familiar from thousands of performances, the fit of the completed whole int eh common life is understood...Today, the materials and skills from which a life is composed are no longer clear. It is not longer possible to follow the paths of previous generations. This is true for both men and women, but it is especially true for women, whose whole lives no longer need to be dominated by the rhythms of procreation and the dependencies that these created, but who still must live with the discontinuities of female biology and still must balance conflicting demands."

"The model of an ordinary successful life that is held up for young people is one of early decision and commitment, often to an educational preparation that launches a single rising trajectory...Graduation is supposed to be followed by the first real job, representing a step on an ascending ladder. We don't expect long answers when we ask children what they want to be when the grow up, any more than we expect a list of names in response to questions about marriage. In fact, assumptions about careers are not unlike those about marriage; the real success stories are supposed to be permanent and monogamous. These assumptions have not been valid for many of history's most creative people, and they are increasingly inappropriate today. The landscape through which we move is in constant flux...Goals too clearly defined can become blinkers. Just as it is less and less possible to replicate the career of a parent, so it will become less and less possible to go on doing the same thing through a lifetime. "

"The twentieth century has been called the century of the refugee because of the vast numbers of people uprooted by war and politics from their homes and accustomed lives."

"In many ways, constancy is an illusion. After all, our ancestors were immigrants, many of them moving on every few years; today we are migrants in time...Of any stopping place in life, it is good to ask whether it will be a good place from which to go on as well as a good place to remain."

"I found myself looking again at a patchwork of achievements both personal and professional and questioning how they fit together; whether they composed - or began to compose - a life; whether indeed the model of improvisation might prove more creative and appropriate to the twentieth century than the model of single-track ambition."

"Change proposes constancy: What is the ongoing entity of which we can say that it has assumed a new form? A composite life poses the recurring riddle of what the parts have in common."

"Just as change stimulates us to look for more abstract constancies, so the individual effort to compose a life, framed by birth and death and carefully piece together from disparate elements, becomes a statement on the unity of living. These works of art, still incomplete, are parables in process, the living metaphors with which we describe the world."

---Mary Catherine Bateson, excerpts from "Emergent Visions" in Composing a Life


Echoes of place. Globalization (Friedman's The World is Flat) and Gender Transformation (Taber's Wanting all the Right Things).

Place & Pamuk

I've recently been on a bit of a Pamuk binge.

Here I am referring to recent Nobel Prize-winning Turkish journalist Orhan Pamuk who is known for such novels as Snow and My Name is Red, as well as the memoir Istanbul. My father snatched up these three books before he embarked upon travels to Turkey and Greece last spring and ever since they have been sitting upon the shelves of the study/my room taunting me because I had not had a chance to sit and read them yet. Thus the Holiday break Pamuk binge.

Though Pamuk's writing brings up a plethora of issues and problems, not least of which is the political and social melancholy of Turkey, my mind grabbed hold of one particular theme that is woven throughout his writings: the significance of place.

This theme began to intrigue me after reading some of Wendell Berry's essays in which he lifts up the significant connection between land and people, of home, and of working to strengthen the local communities that have shaped us. Echoing Gandhi, Berry (and Pamuk perhaps) seems to make "place" the focus of problem-solving, vocation, life sustenance and the answer to all meaning-of-life questions. Okay, they don't suggest that all of life's questions can be understood in the context of place. But for these men, the "places" in their lives have been the lenses through which they have understood the world, determined their vocations, undertaken their work, and discerned the meaning of their lives. Place is no small thing.

For Pamuk, the place is Istanbul.

"Istanbul's fate is my fate: I am attached to this city because it has made me who I am." -Istanbul (pg 6)

Such is this connection that his memoirs cannot be complete without describing both his life and the city he has lived his entire life in.

"The city into which I was born was poorer, shabbier, and more isolated than it had ever been in its two-thousand-year history. For me it has always been a city of ruins and of end-of-empire melancholy. I've spent my life either battling with this melancholy, or (like all Istanbullus) making it my own."
(pg 6)

This connection between place and life…of land and people…triggers so many complexities. Questions of community and society. Problems of country and allegiance…

"At least once in a lifetime, self-reflection leads us to examine the circumstances of our birth. Why were we born in this particular corner of the world, on this particular date? These families into which we were born, these countries and cities to which the lottery of life has assigned us - they expect love from us, and in the end, we do love them, from the bottom of our hearts - but did we perhaps deserve better? -Istanbul (pg 7)

…history, civilization, art, music…

"If we see our city in black and white, it's partly because we know it from the engravings left to us by Western artists: the glorious colours of its past were never painted by local hands. There is no Ottoman painting that can easily accommodate our visual tastes. Nor is there a single piece of writing or work in today's world that can teach us how to take pleasure in Ottoman art of the classic Persian art that influenced it...when magazines or schoolbooks need an image of old Istanbul, they use the black-and-white engravings produced by Western travelers and artists." -Istanbul (pg 39-40)

It is fascinating to me how Pamuk translates this need and desire for place into also an explanation for the misunderstanding between peoples.

"Even if the world's rich and powerful were to put themselves in the shoes of the rest, how much would they really understand the wretched millions suffering around them?"
- Snow (pg. 259)

It’s as if place and life and culture are all intertwined so tightly, that if we don’t understand how people live in another city, another culture, in a sense another world, we are also incapable of understanding their sufferings, their joys, their views.

My first reaction to this is one of thoughtful fascination. Firstly, because this is an explanation of the clash between civilizations that is rooted in culture, in empires and cities and communities. An explanation that fiercely puts the diversity of peoples and life at the focus, and calls for the need of understanding between peoples. Though, not without providing a base of pessimism in regards to whether this can be accomplished, and perhaps an idealistic sense of hope…

It is also fascinating because I’m not sure what this says about today…when globalization is mobilizing people to new places, new homes, and new identities...when the borders that we have often seem so superficial and archaic...when the economic, political, and societal forces at play make it impossible to see a world where people would be rooted to one place and in fact dissuade this option in favor of choice, modernization, and the market.

Yet, this is perhaps most intriguing in the sense that for people interested in the world, in other cultures, in striving for justice, and making change...this concept of place is simultaneously a recipe for a success, a diagnosis for failure, and a deep philosophical quandary.

A recipe for success in that by making place your focus, by seeking to understand those around you, and make your own unique contribution to society through your community, one should be able to lift up your neighbors and take a stab at truly resolving some of the problems that torment society.

[My query to this recipe: if we all looked inward to our own communities, would not the communities that lack such leaders, resources, and power still be left out in the cold?]

A diagnosis for failure because of the limits of history and the limitless today. For example, Pamuk demonstrates that Turkey is haunted by the collapse of the Ottoman Empire and demoralized by the Westernization of their culture. There can be no changing the past. Nor is there soon to be a halt to the economic and societal globalization that are homogenizing cities and erasing cultural identity worldwide. Yet within history and modernity is widespread misunderstanding and clashes between the truths and traditions of world cultures. Reconciliation of ideas seems impossible. Yet conflict is deemed terrible.

"Now one could understand us from so far away." -Snow (pg. 426)

A deep philosophical quandary because the above contradicting views still beg questions: where are we without place, without home, without roots? what will become of new generations without a collective consciousness rooted by place? is it good/bad or simply different for the world to have mass migration and people who make traveling, moving, and exchanging identities their place in the world? what is the true importance of place and are we losing it?

I am certainly not sure. And unfortunately neither is Orhan Pamuk.

"I try to focus on these issues not from the point of view of a statesman but from the point of view of a person who tries to understand the pain and suffering of others. I don't think there is any set formula to solve these problems [in the context of problems of religious tolerance in Turkey]. Anyone who believes there is a simple solution to these problems is a fool -- and probably will soon end up being part of the problem. I think literature can approach these problems because you can go into more shady areas, areas where no one is right and no one has the right to say what is right. That's what makes writing novels interesting. It's what makes writing a political novel today interesting."
-Orhan Pamuk, in an interview with New York Times' Alexander Star

3:12 am

There's something honest about facing the mirror at 3:00 am when you can't sleep.

The body is not quite awake as usual, but the mind...the mind is awake.
Almost as awake as the heart.

Because let's be honest, if the mind and heart weren't awake, then the body would definitely not be.

At 3am, the mind and heart are forced to be honest with one another because there's nothing else to be done.

The body wants sleep. The mind and heart have to converge...what is wrong? what am I thinking? what am I feeling? what do I need to do right now? what do I need to do to feel at peace so that my body can sleep?

What if more moments in the day were like that? Ifevery moment was like 3 am in the mirror would we not be more honest with ourselves, with our friends, with those we work and play with?

3am forces you to confront the worst in yourself...though I'll admit provides that hazy edge that I think drinkers like because it softens the blow.

But mainly 3 am is a time when your brain doesn't really let you think about anything of substance because it is doing its work behind-the-scenes...confronting issues, healing, breaking, renewing, ripping off the bandaid, and pushing in a bit of reality, but of course being careful to leave in just enough fantasy to remain young, hopeful, and energetic...if nothing else so the body and heart last through finals.

But as important as that process is...3 am is really for the heart.

It's like this:

The heart is a small, bumbling, passionate creature that is always vying for standing room with the mind and the body and most of the time gets kicked to the curb. But she's tougher than she looks. And at 3am, she gets fet up. Kicks the body in the ass and says "sit down you fool." Then she turns to the mind, looks her up and down, and says "do your thang honey, but keep out of my way...it's my time." Then the heart takes the driver's seat...pulls it closer to the petals, turns on the iTunes that speak to her mood, and drives...

People & Life Places

So, I just told someone today that I try not to put personal anecdotes on this blog. Which is true. But this post, will attempt to be a reflection on one aspect of life in terms of social people-to-people intereaction that I think I've realized. I promise it's still very philosophical, you can put it under the "adult" category in my blog title I suppose.

I was thinking today that it's all well in good to make use of the lessons of life that you are taught - manners, "good character" stuff, the rights and wrongs, etc when life is normal. We all have bad days and we all have those ups and downs, but by and large when everything is "alright" we generally have no excuse but to begin to think about how our actions and words, and inaction and words unspoken affect others.

It's really when things are bad. When things are turned upside down, and one's inner world is a cascade of constant ups and downs that those lessons come in handy. Because it is then when all of those lessons are up for question. What is right? What is wrong? What is good or bad? Which action should or shouldn't I take? Does this action merit this reaction? Am I a bad person if?

It is then I think when we begin to realize...okay get rid of this third person. This semester has been when I have begun to realize that there are days when all I can think about is myself and my feelings and the general suckiness of life. And sometimes that's okay. I am human. And I am imperfect. And there are times in life to withdraw for a bit and let the heart and mind work itself out, or let God work it out. And there are times when civilization and society give you a bit of a free card to just be in a bad mood, or be "not okay." But that doesn't mean that my actions and my withdrawness doesn't cause problems, or hurt feelings, or sin by proxy. But at the same time that doesn't mean that it's not okay sometimes.

I'm sure I could go on theologically here about forgiveness and such, but I'm not really in that place.

I think for now, it's just more acceptance of certain thoughts, feelings, fears, etc. And hoping that beyond hope when I get to a better place that some apologies and some changes....won't erase them, but will let everything move onto a new place.

It's a thought.

No Grad School for me.

Reasons # 1 - 7 why when i actually do make decisions about my future or make my plans that I should not consider graduate school as an option (besides the fact that this sentence is grammatically incorrect).

1) I hate writing papers. The actualy writing that is. I like having the finished product. I like the reading. I like editing. The actual writing process is a form of torture that has been especially tormenting. Future Me: remember the painful days of writing, procrastinating, and all of the active things you could pursue rather than writing. Think about all the writing you will have to do in grad school.

2) Oftentimes, I hate academic thinking. [As this is a negative list, we will ignore all the times that I absolutely love academic thinking for the moment.] Academia is helpful and wonderful...to a point. And when you cross that point it is just painful to sit and discuss, or write. Learning is valuable, so is writing and critically thinking, but then its time to DO SOMETHING.

3) Under the assumption of #2, grad school would only delay the actual doing of something, whatever that something may be.

4) It costs a hell of a lot of money. See #5 for why I won't be getting one of those fabulous fellowships.

5) Grades. Mine are good, but I could relax a little bit and just focus on learning rather than the actual grades themselves if I didn't have to worry about grad school.

6) The GRE and the LSAT. Enough said.

7) Sometimes thinking is just too much.

City of God

There are some movies that reach in and grab your heart and then instead of just dropping it to the ground, they decided to use it as a dart board for approximately 130 minutes so that at the end you really feel it not only in your chest, but your gut, and your mind.

That my friends, is how I feel about City of God. Directed by Fernando Meirelles. About Rio de Janeiro's most notorious slum.

The story is of a boy growing up in a slum surrounded by abject poverty, drug dealers, a hell of a lot of drugs, a hell of a lot of guns, and very little opportunity...even less hope. The movie narrates over three generations of slum lords all within the space of about 10 years. Little children committing cold-blooded murder. Eight year olds banning together to take over a druglord. One drug dealer taking down a couple, raping the girl in front of her boyfriend and then leaving the boyfriend alive...only to change his mind, go to his house and gun down his uncle and brother leaving his house full of bullet holes.

I like to think that I'm a fairly knowledgeable person. I try to not live in idealistic, happyland where my suburban, white-dominated, middleclass, Lutheran university life is reality. But movies like this...stories like this, remind me how little I know. How small my problems really are.

And yet the thing is, I'm still struggling. I can't get out of a rut and I'm safe every night I go to bed. I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from or whether or not I'm going to be safe the next time I go out the door. Hell, I go to a school where I can leave my crap in the library, go eat a meal, come back and not think twice about whether my stuff is going to be where I left it...sitting on my favorite couch.

I don't know what's more frustrating. That my heart and mind cannot be satisfied that some people live lives of horror like those depicted in this movie. Where things just happen because its what life is, and its what one person with power decided...more like one person with a gun decided. I am not okay with that being reality, and I don't like feeling like I've been given a better life than someone else, just because. I certainly don't deserve it. And right now I'm certainly not doing anything mertiable of giving back and earning it.

I feel like I want to go change something. Make something better for someone else. And not just little things. Not just "in my own little pond" things.

There is too much hurt in this world. Too much anger and hate. Too much violence and blood and gore all for naught. It's not right.

I hate living in my own little world that's fine, where my biggest problem...well. Where my problems don't even compare to millions of people's lives who despair because of hunger, disease, violence, prejudice, and hatred.

I know that everyone has to find their own ways of dealing with these problems. And I've worked on it. I've seen these types of movies before. Hell, I've been reading about the freakin' South African apartheid system all semester. I've been getting my regular reality check. And its good to have that sometimes. To be shocked out of your system. To be reminded that the body that you live in each day is just like the bodies that suffer from aids, gang violence, malnourishment, rape, human rights abuses, I could go on.

The thing is. I can talk myself into the fact that I've got to figure out myself before I can really help anyone else. I have to get my education before anyone will take me seriously enough to really help anyone else. And I've got to figure out where God is calling me to go to help. Even if it is next door. I can realize all of those things. But I still feels like I'm stealing. Like I'm mocking the millions just by sitting and typing at my Dell computer in my suburban wood frame house in Indianapolis.

And you know grace isn't a good enough answer. Because I believe in God's grace but I also want to march on up to heaven and ask him why he didn't give it to everybody else? And, yeah I mean in a worldly way...I'm a bit too steamed to talk theology right now.

I just want to go and make something better.
I also want things to be better in my head and heart.
I want tomorrow not to feel like the same, and for my goal to be something bigger than finishing my f'n term papers and trying to not fail in the last 3 weeks of the semester.
I'm tired of the in-between period. The struggle. The trying to figure things out.
And my inner hope has been the victim of a few too many emotional/mental go arounds this semester.

Stupid assignment. Stupid movie.

Stupid world.

I'm going to Morocco...

It's official.

Hmm....

International Law Penchant

So, I think I have mentioned previously that I have a deep love for words. Prose that spins webs and hits straight to the heart is inspring. Poetry lets words describe emotion in ways that normal conversation can't even aspire to. Strong rhetoric changes attitudes, thoughts, conflict...

And then there's the beauty of law. At this point, I may have lost you my crazy, thoughtful, (one of a small few) reader...but I'm telling you there is something fascinating about law. Specifically laws that are trying to honestly do good, create solutions, and create spaces and mechanisms for people to make positive change.

I was reminded of my penchant for the rhetoric and organization of law twice today, thus I thought it deserving of a blog post.

My honors thesis, as I have mentioned is on truth commissions - specifically the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa and the Equity and Reconciliation Committee in Morocco. I've been writing the South Africa section for days now and have been sifting through the Promotion of National Unity and Reconciliation Act of 1995 which established the South African TRC and created a draft of truth commission law that is awe-inspiring to say the least.

It is of course first beautiful because it was written by a government that cared enough (or at least wanted to be seen as caring enough) to create a legitmiate mechanism for "making things right" after a brutal system of apartheid. Additonally, it added in the whole goal of reconcilation, which while still extemely controversial is fascinating. Try setting down precise language to faciliate reconciliation sometime...it won't be an afternoon project.

The ins and outs of the PoNUR Act are fascinating, from the meticulous defintions of phrases like "gross violations of human rights" which are themselves practically impossible to define...to the mandate of the Commission which draws on theology, philsopohy, the lessons of previous truth commissions, and the political compromises that the South African legislature spent hours debating...to the actual setup of the Commission which while in someways was shortsighted, in other ways is admirably well thought-out.

Of course, it is also this kind of law that brings hope for the realm of law which also issues out pork barrel-filled laws, useless declarations, and free trade agreements that are thousands of pages long and for each page affect the same number of people in a negative manner...but that's a discussion for another day.

My second reminder of my little "crush" on law was in reading for my International Relations class today...a chapter entitled "The Liberal Institutional Paths to Peace" (aka Hannah's favorite stuff all in one chapter).

For those of you who aren't familiar with international terms, let me also just state that "liberal" in this instance does not mean liberal in the sense of Nancy Pelosi "liberal," but in the longstanding liberal tradition which is commited to liberalism, and these days international coopeartion, free trade, free choice, etc.

It is out of this tradition that came first the League of Nations, and then the UN. Liberal philosophy underlies the EU, the WTO, international conferences and agreements, free trade and of course...international law.

This chapter outlined some of the many arguements for and against international law, as well as the principles and limits of international law. For example, international law was primarly set up to protect states and originally set up as norms and common law procedures that states used in dealing with one another (i.e. international trade, law of the seas, etc). However, as international law evolved and became more focused on protecting the individual states were (and are) still the primary actors. Thus, international law is limited by interests of individual states and can only be as strong as participating states make it.

This is thus argued on both sides as a weakness and strength of international law. Critics say that international law is weak and has no purpose because states do not always have to follow it. (However, some of these tend to be the same persons who argue against states like the US giving up bits of its sovereignty to stregthen international law and institutions.) Proponents say that this limit is actually the strength of international law, that because states must agree to conventions and laws and embed it within its own national laws that it shows the strength of the international legal system when states do sign on and hold up the treaties and resolutions. These persons usually argue that it is in the self interest of states to sign on to international legal norms...and that especially in the 21st Century era of globalization and mass communcation/trade/etc that international cooperation and interdependence is necessary and thus so is international law.

It's so interesting! All of the arguments intertwine and bring in questions like:

• Can international law really be law if it binds together states and cultures that lack universal values and norms? Apparently this goes back to a Roman law precept, ubi societas, ibi jus (where there is society, there is law) that requires shared communal values as a prereq for a legal system.
• As a legal system, international law must justify the "competitive pursuit of national advantage iwthout regard to morality or justice." Thus, what is legal under international law is not necessairly what is morally right? Does international law break from this in regard to human rights law? Can it be law if it does so?
• Is international law just another instrument of the powerful to oppress the weak? Is this yet another human invention for those in power to use as a mandate to do whatever they want?
• Does international law really infringe upon a nation's sovereignty? Is this a problem?
• Should the international legal system be institutionalized such that is a more rigid international governing system at some point in the future? Would it just then fall apart amidst global conflict?
• Isn't it interesting that even nations that decry the UN and other international legal norms still find it in their interest to go through the proceedings and support the system while complaining like whiny two-year olds?

That's enough questions for now, but ometime I'll share my fascination for the UN Charter...

Writing Consulting...

So this weekend I attended the NCPTW - the National Conference on Peer Tutoring in Writing, at the University of Michigan-Ann Arbor.

I was fairly wary, as a whole weekend of talking about editing and peer tutoring isn't normally my idea of a "fantastic time." And to be sure, there were certainly a fair sure of dull moments.

But it was also interesting for two reasons: first, because I saw how quickly fundamental differences in attitudes/beliefs come up even in the setting of writing consulting and secondly, how even writing centers can be scenes for cultural exchange, growth, and important learning.

To the first point, it was interesting to find that many of the writing centers represented (and this was a national conference with writing center directors and peer tutors from California, Florida, Maine and everywhere in between, plus random people from Canada, Ireland, and Puerto Rico) were huge proponents of a style of editing where you never write on the person's paper.

Now, I should preface this by saying that the theme of the conference was AUTHORITY in the Writing Center. Thus, the idea is that to keep the authority with the writer and help them grow in their writing, that you help them think about the problems and let the writer (and the writer only) mark errors and make changes.

Now, to me and my fellow writing consultants representing VU this was ludicrous. I mark up papers like nobody's business. I have enough trouble with minimalist editing much less no editing. Or a style of editing where you take 2 hours to go through 4 pages with a person talking about each and every semi-colon, paragraph structure, and content...

But it was interesting because at the keynote luncheon (where the keynote speaker actually talked about the role of writing centers amidst globalization and changing workplaces...I know. crazy) students stood up on both sides attempting to defend one way of editing or the other. Trying to convince the other side. I swear we could have been debating the War on Iraq, poeple were so convinced of one side or the other, unwilling to budge, or see that it was mostly a matter of the way we've been trained, the way our individual writing centers work, and just a fundamental difference in philosophy.

It was just very intersesting, becuase that was certainly the last thing I thought would come up.

Second to last on my mind going into this was the importance of writing centers, editing, and learning language/academic writing in terms of cultural exchange...but again, I was confonted with it numerous times during the day.

We get many international students at the writing center. Which is great. I actually helped one Saudi Arabian student a few weeks ago and actually got to make a sweet comparison about English and Arabic grammar to help him understand. I certainly didn't go into this job for that aspect, but it has turned out to be a perk of getting to learn about other people's cultures and seeing up close the differences in languages and writing.

So, in one of the sessions yesterday, one peer tutor presented the problems she ran into in terms of helping international students understand prompts, write essays/speechs, help wtih grammar and yet not hinder or silence their natural cultural voices within the paper. In the course of the session, the question was raised about whether learning/teaching the "academic writing" dialect [the idea that the form and rules of academic/professional writing are a specific dialect that as students/future professionals we have to learn to be successful] is actually culturally inhospitable because we don't encourage other ways of thinking about issues, presenting ideas, or the use of words that we consider colloquial, pedestrian, slang, foreign, etc.

Now, I disagree that teaching students how to use "academic writing" is culturally inhospitable. I think we as students learn the form of academic writing as a tool to be able to convey our ideas in a professional manner. This way our ideas are supported and can be communicated to many more people. The process is useful, and I think every language has a dialect, so to speak, or professional or formal language that you use in this way.

But we as peer tutors do have to be careful that when teaching this form we don't silence cultural voices or ignore different ways of thinking about ideas than what might seem "correct" in western culture.

It was just really interesting to think about the best ways to help students for whom English is a second language. And how sometimes it is at this point when cultural exchange gets really tricky. How do we decide what formal language is...why is it that ebonics is considered incorrect? why do we assume so much when we hear broken English spoken? are our ideas of language at fault...should we reevaluate what our ideas about what "true English" or "academic/professional" English is? do we need to learn to listen better to understand people who speak English as a second language? or shoud those people be forced to learn English better or not live here?

Not questions that I thought that would be raised at a conference on peer tutoring...


Another thought that occured to me this weekend, which is somewhat unrelated, and probably more of a continual wondering, is yet again the idea of vocation. I went to that conference and I thought... "wow, these are people who really care about what they do. they work hard to help students learn, they get together each year to get ideas on how to be better, they adapt, and they celebrate and encourage learning day in and day out."

Our Writing Center director does some really great work. And it is important. It's important to have teachers and peer tutors and friends who will encourage us to critically think, learn to argue, write and convey our thoughts in a thoughtful, understandable way...and I am all for making those resources as strong and as available as possible on campus. It's work i'm capable of. Spending my days teaching, learning, working with students, seeking to make resources available to as many as need it. A job that is continually challenged to be better, to be more connected and accessible...

Similiarly, working with international students through an international studies office or leading trips overseas to let people grow in their ideas of the world...work that is challenging, complicated, and sometimes the most personal, nittygritty ways of cultural exchange ever. Work that truly changes the world...in a small way to be sure, but also in really big lifechanging ways for the all the peopel who pass through your hands.

And yet my mind looks elsewhere. Like for some reason those jobs aren't quite enough...not even that, that that's not exactly what I'm supposed to do...that thought I struggle with because I feel like that's arrogant because there are so many people out there doing such good work. doing work that i feel truly matters. work that I would love to support if i had more energy, more time, more...

Yet, i'm pulled to something else. And i'm okay with not knowing what this is. I'm okay with not even pursuing it. And yet still I struggle, and I don't quite know why. I guess partly because I feel like it's arrogant to feel like I'm called to something more. Partly because I could very well fail or never find it...and there are a lot of days when I simply would rather turn around and pursue something else. Something just a little easier. Something I know I'm capable of.

Spend the rest of my days going to an annual writing center conference. Working to find new ways to help people learn. That's not a sad existence.

And yet somewhere inside me, a little voices says...nope. try again. The Catch-22 of Vocation.

Dems take the house!

So, it is now official. The Democrats took the House and the Senate! And Donald Rumsfeld is out!

Could there really have been a better week in US politics?

More seriously, the elections were pretty exciting! Obvious gains for the Democrats and at least for right now there is still a hope that the Democrats will step up and bring a new sense of bipartisanship and some work ethic!

Comprehensive Immigration Reform? Healthcare? Possible foreign policy shifts...okay maybe that's too much to ask for, but at least the first two - PLEASE GOD!

Also, exciting are the firsts...Keith Ellison won in Minnesota and will be the first Muslim to serve in the House of Representatives. It is likely that Nancy Pelosi will be the first women to serve as the Speaker of the House (3rd in line for the President!) and even if Republicans are labeling her a crazy San Francisco liberal (the left of the left of the left) it might be good to have someone to rally the Democrats, push an agenda, and stand up and make some things happen. Now, if she uses her position to just shout out partisan remarks and refuse to let anything get done for the next two years...not cool. But there are possibilities.

So, we shall see. A new political era has been entered...hopefully to stay for awhile.

Academia

So, I’ve been meaning to do this for awhile, but you know once that initial impulse to reflect on academics, politics, and life passes or gets overrun by time…it goes on the list. And lists involve prioritizing, and blogging is simply not a priority.

But tonight I need to get a fantabulous amount of writing done, so I figure why not start it off right by getting my fingers working by posting.

It’s been a long, rough fall for many and various reasons. But one thing I haven’t really got a chance to do is reflect on the academics of it all.

Classes…the bane of my existence and yet the inspiration and impetus for so much learning.

This semester has been an interesting mix…International Relations and International Economics (for my major), Ideas and Power in Latin American History (minor), Psychology (Gen Ed), CC Seminar with Prof. Schwehn called Making Things Right and finally an independent study in Arabic.

I always find it interesting (sometimes frustrating, sometimes mildly amusing) how classes end up connecting, overlapping, and supporting each other in various themes and areas. Obviously some of the above have obvious overlappage. For example, unsurprisingly international relations and international economics have both posed questions about globalization, liberal economic theories such as free trade, put emphasis on world politics, and posed questions about hotly debated topics like outsourcing.

But other connections have been made as well; general psych is certainly not my favorite class (and I’ve actually made skipping class an artform at 9:00 on MWF and have managed to only miss one of the random quizzes thus far which actually tabulates our attendance grade) HOWEVER, there’s no doubt that political scientists built international relations theory based on human psychology, and blatantly stole many terms from the dear psychologists. Although I’m thankful that they don’t descend into Freud too often…just a little bit of nature vs. nurture, none of this Freudian attempts to blame everything on our parents’ pottytraining techniques…

So, Psych, yes. Fairly unexciting, but since I’m taking it pass/fail I’ve been able to digest the information, get decent grades on the tests and not stress. Lovely. We’ve studied sleep, memory, personality traits, behavior, historical psychological techniques and trends in how people have viewed human psychology. The lab is fairly tolerable as well.

A few quotes that I find amusing from the margins of my psych book:
“I love to sleep. Do you? Isn’t it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.” Rita Rudner
“When a man can’t explain a woman’s actions, the first thing he thinks about is the condition of her uterus.” Clare Boothe Luce
“It wasn’t what I expected. But facts are facts, and if one is proved to be wrong, one must just be humble about it and start again.” Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple.

International Relations is not difficult and certainly not terrible thought-provoking in terms of class discussion or academic challenge…but it is what I’m most interested in. So, the class does frame a lot of international relations theory for me and help give context for the things I’ve been reading for the past 9 months. I love Prof. Blackmon even if she does ask easy questions and I’ve certainly enjoyed talking to her about world politics and such.

LA History…boring reading…overall not-too-exciting in class, BUT still has had merit as a class. One because I really enjoy being in a class with professors who just ooze academia, knowledge, and seem to care not only about ideas, philosophy, and their subject but also about teaching. Former Dean Trost is one of those Professors. And I can’t not listen too him in class…okay I can multitask (in both this class and Latin American History I’ve sort of began a bad habit of reading my Economist while paying attention and taking notes. It’s a talent, I know).

We have covered some interesting ideas…but as I’ve explained to others, I find there is three levels to learning about a particular region. The first level is learning the basics of culture, history, politics, events of a country/region. The second level is understanding the reasons why those things happened. The third level assumes you know everything about the first two level and then really digs in deep to those issues…this class is on the 3rd level. And if it was on the Middle East I’d be in heaven, instead I’m sort of in academic confusion.

Luckily, Trost gives essay tests…and I EXCEL at essay tests.

I do not excel at econ tests. However, I am fascinated by International Economics.

This is a problem. I’ve really enjoyed having Professor Raman, and digging into topics like globalization, international economic theories of free trade and comparative advantage, and beginning to understand the themes that I picked up on in DC and in my Economist readings…(are you sensing a trend for my love of the Economist publication???) So its been fascinating, but man I have to work really hard to understand sometimes. And I don’t have the time too do that which frustrates the inner academic in me…until I give up and just study as hard as I can and realize that I will never be the next Ben Bernake, Joseph Stiglitz, Jeffrey Sachs or Alan Greenspan. Sad Day.

Arabic + Hannah = Not friends.

That leaves with me Making Things Right… I think this semester I’ve lost my edge in terms of being able to say intelligent things in class and add meaningful bits to discussion. Or perhaps I’m just in class with the most articulate professor ever and classmates who all ooze intelligence (except for the one who FALLS ASLEEP IN CLASS…super disrespectful).

But it’s been some really interesting reading: tort law texts, Shakespeare’s Merchant of Venice, In the Bedroom (Andrew Dubus), Nonviolent Atonement, Ian McEwan’s Atonement, Norman Maclean’s Young Men in Fire, Anselm, and a bit of Tolstoy that we’ll read in the next couple of weeks. Some of the best writing that I’m sure I’ll ever encounter…and some really profound thinking I think I could be doing. Unfortunately, I haven’t really let this thoughts get too deep, perhaps partly because my mind is somewhat made up about how to make things right in the world and I feel as if going back into the peace and social justice debate of last fall would be unwise for me at this point. But this class has raised lots of other issues about justice, truth, reconciliation, atonement, faith, love, loss, regret…I think in the long run I’ll be very glad that I took it. But I’m not sure I can really explore all of those themes to the fullest extent right now. Maybe I’m not supposed to.

Anyway, I think I’ll also be very glad that I did my honors thesis in this class and with Prof. Schwehn. He’s helping me explore some of the above issues that I need to do for my paper in some really good ways, and also holding me accountable to my schedule which is also helpful.

So those are my classes. That is my academic life.

PS & J Symposium

Inspired. Energized. Excited. Slightly wary. Wow.

Those are my feelings today after the Peace & Social Justice Symposium. Talk about reinfusing my hope for Valpo, giving me some exciting issues to work on, and a whole freakin’ today to talk about issues affecting this world and how we can work for positive change amidst them!
Amen!

I’m not sure I’m exactly ready to be this hopeful again. I’m sort of in a Jonah-state with God which I think I need to sit with that for a little while (inshallah)…and certainly I could wake up tomorrow exhausted like I did all last week and some of this enthusiasm could fade.

But hell, for now I’m praising God for it. Because whew, I like hope. Hope is my core. It twists and wraps around my faith, my joy, my energy, my soul. And there have been a few too many days without hope.

So today is for action, for learning, and finally for reflection. Which I’ve been doing a whole hell of a lot of lately. So…what was today?

The 5th Annual Valparaiso University Peace & Social Justice Symposium.

Started off the day with a speech from Dr. Henry Rosemont (who later totally gave a perspective for my honors thesis!!! Pure awesomeness) who talked about the Confucian perspective of humanity and how it relates to social justice “Individual Freedom vs. Social Justice: A Confucian Meditation”

Now, I’m not gonna lie, I was pretty wary…but it was so interesting. He talked about how our concept of individual freedom perhaps limits us from seeing our freedom in the context of our communities. He brought it the ideas of 1st and 2nd generation human rights. The first generation being the civil and political human rights that we hold dear here in the US that are protected by the Bill of Rights. And then the 2nd generation of human rights are those that protect our cultural, economic, social rights – our freedom to lead a full life

He gave the example of how you could respect someone’s 1st generation rights by ignoring someone – you can respect someone’s right to speak but pay not attention to what they say for instance. Instead, with 2nd generations rights you get no choice – you have a responsibility to the other person.

He also put forth the thesis that if we see our freedom as individuals in the realm of 1st generation rights we are often unable to make the leap to understanding why we have a responsibility to the other. Why are success, our flourishing is linked to another. However, if we start with the community, with the idea of humanity, then therefore the rights of the individual also matter. Because it is only by respecting another’s rights, by helping another flourish that we can flourish.

Then he went back and showed how this is linked to Confucian ideas and assumptions – a religion that makes interaction with others obligatory; where identity comes from the relation to others (I am…a daughter, a friend, a leader, etc); where the family is held up as the most important unit. The most interesting nugget I took from this part was that in the Confucian ideal the state is seen as an extension of the family, a close connection – because if the state is going to require you to be a good father, daughter, etc and act accordingly than the state must provide you the tools to do that – education, health care, just laws, etc.

Very interesting. The idea that we can only flourish when other flourishing really resonated with me. He used the quote that I’d heard it before, maybe it’s overused but man it’s good…
“All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated…As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bells calls us all…No man is an island, entire of itself…any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.” John Donne.

The first workshop I went to was with Amy Mendoza, Executive Director of the Indiana Commission on Hispanic/Latino Affairs…fanfreakintastic! Rare that you find someone working hard on an issue, knowing a lot, but also being able to provide real steps of what to do. I was stoked, and could go on but I have so much more to reflect on…so I’ll just give nuggets: advocating a change in Indiana’s driver’s license requirements, using community networks to reach Latinos and Hispanics and helping build relationships with them, and working on the DREAM Act.

The plenary speaker, Chris Breljie – equally fascinating. Although I groaned when he say he was going to talk about his vocation and said just “be open to possibilities”…God is obviously not going to make “sitting in the belly” a relaxing experience. Whatever. He was also great at putting a face on immigration, bringing out his passion for his vocation, and giving encouragement to those who want to bring positive change.

That was the most powerful theme of the day. I heart hope.

He also urged us to advocate to our senators to go for Comprehensive Immigration Reform…and it all comes back to being involved in the political process…Viva la Vote anyone?

The last workshop was with Rosemont again where he talked about the TRC. Yay honors thesis! And then the closing speaker again…great! He was a Valpo grad (as was Breljie) and came here in the 70’s during the time of extreme racial tension. He spoke so truly and yet also so positively, really encouraging students to learn and that make something of that learning. Wonderful.

And then as if the day wasn’t enough! I got to sit around with people from SALT, Partners for Peace and Hanover’s People for Peace groups and just talk about our passions, our concerns, or ideas…oh boy, there’s gonna be a network of social justice impassioned students soon. It’s gonna happen. And damn I’m excited.

Written Nov. 4, 2006.

Misery loves disease

Everything is just a tad bit more miserable when your nose is clogged, your throat raw, and the amount of pressure in your sinus could power a small automobile.

Just saying.

My current rant: following through.

Why can't more do it? Why are so many people on this campus incapable of simply doing what they say they will do? Why are there so few people on this campus who actually have the ability to have an idea, talk to people about it, and then make it happen? Why is cooperation a foreign concept?

Will I graduate and find that most of the world's people are like this...or will I find that those people somehow learn that lesson after graduation?

Wrestling...

So tonight at Celebrate a migraine pushed me out of the Gloria Christi and up the stairs into the sanctuary...

the chapel is beautiful in the dark.

the lights over the majority of the sanctuary...i'm hesitant to use this metaphor because i'm pretty sure that this image is only in my mind, but the lights are like these star clusters that somehow give off just enough warmth to make it feel like God's living room. Okay a really big living room, with a lot of uncomfertable pews...but a room which gives off the perfect amount of hospitality - not overly welcoming, but there waiting when you're ready.

so i finally sat down. i sat on the edge of the chancel and looked up. my thoughts scattered. i didn't understand. i don't understand. the windows were darkened; the chistus rex golden in all of it's incomprehensible symbolism. the branches moved outside. everything felt open. Celebrate continued on below - voices rose up, prayers, songs, the blessing...

there's something about the chapel, maybe about God really, that makes you feel like you found where you were supposed to be and yet are completely lost all at the same time.

I guess it's sort of apt that of all the irreconcilable differences in the world that it seems we as humans are to sort through, that God just simply makes us sit with the irreconilable oddities that are life and faith and realize there's absolutely nothing we can do with it.

I can make up my own beliefs or reasons for the way things are, the way things could be, and why I should or shouldn't make those happen. I can use logic to find out what I have to do each day and I can survive by drowning in the necessary tasks that consume every hour and minute. Then I go to sleep after an exhausted or forgotten prayer and think I've survived.

But you know there's still that moment when I finally sit down and realize that it's all in vain. I still haven't figured out anything.

Week of 9/18/06

Thoughts before beginning this week: OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!

Up ahead: 1 Test, 1 Paper, Lots of Homework that is not done yet. Launching the Viva la Vote! Campaign, publishing the SALT Shaker, Writing a lot of stuff, F. Haus stuff, Writing Center Shifts, DA Shifts, Arabic...oh gawd, Arabic, oh and then there's that honors thesis to think about.

Is college life preparing you for adult life? Or showing you what you should not do in adult life?

Now there's a conundrum to think about.

Thoughts on Studying Abroad...

So, ever since I've returned to Valpo I've been sort of haunted about leaving again to study abroad. Ever since I said it out loud I've been trying to deal with the fact that I'm scared, and there are many things that make me simply not want to do it.

For example -

I have no desire to go alone and experience it alone.
I have no desire to go through that month long dive into a foreign culture, with a language that I'm completely inept at, be homesick, be friendsick, and oh yeah, BE ALONE.
That idea simply sucks.

And yet I know that I have to because 1) I would regret not doing so. 2) It's the only way I'll be able to figure out what I want to do at some point in the future. 3) It's the plan, damn it. And whether or not I knew what the hell I was doing when I made that plan, well. I made it. And what else would I really do anyway? It's not like Valpo has an abundance of Middle Eastern courses anyway...

Which is what made me occur to write this post. I'm filling out my 2nd study abroad application, this one to Al-Akhawayn University and I had to pick my top ten course choices and put them in order of priority. Wow. I couldn't pick. There were so many good ones to choose from! Moroccan History, North African Government, Economic Development in North Africa & the Middle East, Islamic Art & Architecture, The Middle East and the United States, International Law, Women and Society...I could go on and on! Wow. Amazing.

When I was talking to Kellee tonight, she told me should would go back and relive the initial suckiness of Mexico again rather than trade the experience. I'm sure that's true.

I just can't help feeling like I will be that slim percentage of people who really just don't enjoy their study abroad experience. Of course, that's also scary since what does that say about my major? But then if I do turn out to love it...what will that change about my life in the future?


Does the fear ever go away in adulthood or does it just change?

I want off this ride...

So it is early in the morning of September 12, in the year 2006 and I am coming to terms with the fact that this emotional, intellectual rollercoaster that I've been on basically ever since I arrived back on campus...is not ending anytime soon.

This is not a happy realization for me, as I've been treating it as normal and sort of been trying to deal with it by talking about it as something "wierd" to the people that I love...when it may simply be the new normal. Whatever normal is. This is probably not a good thing since more and more details seem to be escaping me, my motivation goes from extreme highs and lows very quickly, as do my feelings of happiness and despair, and of course you know there are those lovely college student fears that seem to envelope me on some days.

It's like a funk that I cannot get out of. And normally I would not put this on my little blog, which I have carefully designed the parameters of (see title) so as to differentiate it from an online journal, xanga, facebook note, myspace page, etc. You (the reader whoever you are, most likely imaginary) don't care about my personal melodrama. At least a step up is my ponderings about life which might at least remind you about your own ponderings or opinions and then you could participate in my internal dialogue in the form of a comment.

Such is the theory of this thing called the blog I believe. Maybe I misunderstood.

Anyway, all of that is to say that I believe this rollercoaster is making me face, well, ME.
The me that is Hannah today and not Hannah two years ago, or six months ago, or even a month and a half ago. The Hannah that has completed two years of college, spent 5 months in DC interning, spent 2 months in a different internship that sucked the energy out of her.
This is Hannah that often does not care and yet still remembers caring way too much about the world.
This is the Hannah who believes in community and is beginning to see what she wants in her life for real. Not the dreams of highschool, or the dreams designed by society or my parental unit, or my friends.
This is the Hannah who's realizing the limits of academia and yet fearful of the openness of action.
This is the Hannah who still follows through on ideas and yet regrets doing so more quickly than before.
This is the Hannah that gets tired much quicker and is not sure why.
This is the Hannah who hopes to goodness that it's okay if she changes and wonders if it's not too late.