Hopeful Warmth

So...this weekend was the big move-in. Thursday, I attempted to finish things (which I did not achieve) and packed late into the night. Friday, my mom and I drove up to Valpo and moved me in, and Saturday was helping move-in the new freshman (which I am still sore from). Sunday was church and departure for the Fellowship House Retreat and then today we returned to get everything done before classes start tomorrow.

It has been very busy.

And yet, much better than expected. I've really enjoyed seeing my friends and those people in the VU community. And it hasn't felt quite as wierd as it could have after being gone a semester. Part of it just may be the joy of renewing friendships and relationships that continued on even after I wasn't present on campus. I've also gotten to have my stuff in a "home" again, which I haven't really felt since I left DC so that's nice. Of course, having some time off from thinking about my foreign policy project has also been good...hopefully it will help my writing too when I sit down to renew the project.

But what I really wanted to talk about here, was the suprising joy I found in the retreat this weekend. The initial pessimism I felt faded away as I heard the strength of new voices and ideas, and realized that some of what the Fellowship House community has been working towards has reached a new level of beginning. Which is so needed. And which last fall, I worked so hard to make happen...and had thought that I had failed. I'm still unsure about many things from last fall, some struggles continue. But seeing some of my work form the platform of some of our discussions, that was really...touching? rewarding? humbling?

It gave me hope that maybe my leadership isn't so flawed that it doesn't give off some good sometimes. Maybe I'll be able to look back at this summer some day and feel as if I achieved something...which I still don't quite feel like. It also gives me some warmth and encouragment at a time when I have been feeling so off kilter...and yet also humbled because, though sometimes I'm acutely aware of my gifts and how I think God calls me to use them...or at least what my instincts are leading me towards, it is rare these days for me to feel entirely comfertable in using them. Yet at some point, I have to admit that (at least in others lives) God gives the gifts that he wants us to use when its hard. And sometimes he shows us the fruits of our gifts and sometimes he doesn't. He almost assuredly calls us to struggle with our gifts. It is humbling to realize that the struggle is a part of a larger plan. It is humbling to know that no matter how much I screw up, God can still use me. It is terrifying to think though that it is only if I persevere through the struggle though that I can really do the work God wants me to do. Whatever that is.

It was certainly a warmth. Just like the hugs of so many these past few days. Just like being able to actually sit and talk, or talk a walk, or reflect within this community that pays attention to reflections. It's the warmth of Valpo. The warmth of God. How I've missed it.

I hope I can make this semester about giving myself the time and space to continue to revel in it.

At some point in the retreat, Cat was leading us in looking at scripture as a guide for how the Fellowship House community is going to live and she pulled up Galations 1:10:

"Am I now seeking human approval, or God's approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still pleasing people, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Somehow this struck me in regards to this summer. And I'm still so far removed from being able to reflect upon this summer, that I don't know exactly where it goes. I don't know if I was trying to please people, or fix the group too much, or simply please myself. I don't know if God guided me or if somehow I got off on the wrong road. I don't know if it was simply just hard and that I had to learn things about myself, about my gifts, about how to work with others and that I just have to trust that God worked through me in ways that I can't see and will never see. I'm just not sure.

But I do hope that I can discern how to find that line and yet not feel the constant pressure of living the line this semester. I hope I can find what it means to seek God's approval as a servant of Christ. I think the first step to that is going to be figuring out myself again. Giving myself some time. Certainly God and I need some time, we've been in a bit of tiff for awhile. I guess we'll see. It starts tomorrow and it's already late....here goes.