Reflections on 2006

Reflections, lessons learned, and memories from 2006:

It's hard to believe the year is through and yet looking back over the past 12 months in seems crazy that so much happened.

I started out the year looking towards a semester in Washington DC which was full of wonderful enriching experiences from living with 3 fabulous roommates to interning at the Middle East Institute and going to programs and conferences all over the city. I learned so much. It's nice to feel like all of my reading and listening certainly paid off, as I feel my understanding of international relations, politics and the Middle East increased tremendously during my stay. As well, though I realize there is still a huge amount to learn I think I have a more realistic view of how things work in DC, job opportunities, and the possibility of a future "in the beltway" life after my 5 months living right off the orange line. (Ah, Metro. How I miss thee.)

I learned I like the pace of daily work life. I love mass transportation. I love having a library a few metro stops away. I love having people around me who read the newspaper daily, know what's going on in the world, and challenge me to understand the world in different ways. I love hearing different languages when I walk down the street. And most importantly my love affair with our nation's capital city did not dwindle while I was there. But I did learn that its important to have a community around you. Having 3 wonderful roommates to come home to made the experience feel both safe and more fun. I enjoyed finding a church home that I enjoyed and getting to know a few people at my internship.

After DC I came home (albeit somewhat reluctantly) and intern at UIndy in the International Studies office and designed a program for almost 50 international students who came to stay for 6 weeks during the summer. This was a challenging experience which for all its bitter moments I think was important for me. It taught me a number of things about leadership, about relationships between people, and also how to deal with what I perceived as failures in some respects. I think I will always look back on the experience as one of those bridge times that is tinged with both regret and pride, lessons and pain. Yet, I also have to remind myself of the job that came from working directly with the students and the fun moments that I did have with them whether driving to and from Walmart, going to Chicago, or making middle-of-the-night hospital runs. That internship also should have taught me the lesson about the hazards of putting myself under too much stress.

Alas, I am stubborn and ignored that lesson...my unfortunate reward was this past semester. Biggest lesson of the fall: mixing 19 credits, an honors thesis, a campus-wide voting campaign, a job at the Writing Center, being editor of the SALT Shaker, living in an intentional Christian-living community, pushing paperwork for a semester abroad plus friendships, a realtionship, homework for 19 credits-worth of class, bible study, and various other projects that came up along the way = a very very very bad idea.

So what did I learn?

Breakdowns are messy but sometimes necessary.
Friends who stick by you when things suck are treasures.
ITunes is a wonderful diversion.
One can write an honors thesis amidst a stressful semester with the help of a bit of focus, many books, many hours of despair, ITunes, caffeine, and perhaps skipping a few classes.
Taking a 9:00 am gen/ed requirement pass fail encourages skipping.
Lattes have a profound effect on me and some of them do taste good.
Failure happens...and while it is painful and sucky, its the only way to learn sometimes.
I can only edit 7 papers in a row before becoming grumpy.
Truth commissions are fascinating. And the study of transitional justice just so happens to combine many of the things I love to study.
Sometimes even if you try really hard you cannot change the status quo and you definitely can't do so with a committed team. And it's really not worth trying to keep a project going by yourself.
Asking for help is okay. So is being angry or sad. But like everything there is a balance and even when the going gets tough if you ignore the balance too long everything does fall apart.
I lose things when I'm stressed.
Putting up a hammock does not enduce spontaneous relaxation.
Wrapping paper can be wallpaper in dorms.
Egg nog makes a party.
I can spend more than 12 hours straight in the Christopher Center.
Sometimes I hate Valpo.
Sometimes the idea of quitting everything is very appealing. And when it is most appealing the only question that can be asked: is after two weeks of quitting everything will I be happier in that place?
God is big enough to handle anger. But he's also big enough to handle confusion, despair, denial, and prayer. And he does have a plan (Okay I haven't learned that last one. That's just my hope).
Every semester ends. And when it does you get to pack up what has been your life and start something new. And though I know its the only real time we get to do that in our lives...I've never been more thankful of this fact than this semester.

And now after two weeks of Christmas break. I'm reminded that no matter what we think of ourselves and our values and high philosophic ideals...life looks different on the couch with your family around.

So the year ends. Here are a few things I believe/know/think right now.

• Communities are the building blocks of society. Different ideas of how communities should work, how they should be organized, who should have power and money and why, how things get done, and how conflicts begin continues to be the basis of most of what both fascinates and perplexes me.
• The field of international relations fascinates me. World poltics, governance, conflict...all of it is such an intriguing mix of formality, spontanity, history, culture, miscommunication and misunderstanding, obstinancy, economics, power, chance, and change. Now after a few classes in IR basics, the fact that there are so many different lenses through which people view, explain and predict international relations...I feel like I'm hooked all the more. Everytime I feel like finding something else to study, something pulls me back - globalization, feminist theory, just war theory, transitional justice, economic development, post-conflict reconstruction...I just wish I knew which direction I was being pulled.
• The World's Problems: Peace is only achievable by mass cooperation of people all over the world. Solving many of the world's problems (hunger, AIDs, sweatshops, nuclear proliferation, etc) requires a similiar feat. Until we learn how to do that better we have to continue with the system of the status quo as slow, ignorant, and unwieldy as it is. If I could pick the way of the future, we would continue to build international institutions like the UN and invest our resources and diplomacy there to make the system efficient and productive. Yet, while I am of the international institutionalist liberal strain...I understand the need for a measure of realism, and I am torn by the real need for nation-building in the United States. We need leaders to be able to reach into the problems facing our nation in the 21st Century, stop lollygagging and really solve the health care crisis, sort out the immigration disaster, end the practice of hedging our bets with the budget, fix our education system and change the way Americans learn, promote fair economic strategies, and lead the country and making some decisions about our country's values. How they are going to do that? I have no bloody idea. But for right now people like me can put their hopes in people whose leadership is more liberal and more polished than George W. Bush's and hope the rest falls in line. When it doesn't, maybe a new wave of leaders will be born.
• Making Things Right: [See end of last past] It's not always possible to make things right. But it is always necessary to try if you have the strength and the opportunity. Sometimes the simple act of trying can be very powerful and brings about an opportunity for things to be made right that never would have been. Sometimes it doesn't.
• I am a proponent of restorative justice rather than retributive justice.
• The arts enrich society. I believe we as people need music, film, art, theater, literature. We need artists, musicians, and writers to push our society in new directions, to remind of us of what is important, and to show us how we are reflected worldwide.
• My attitude towards failure and success are more existenstial than ever before. I say this somewhat ashamedly as this may simply be because I am young and finding my life changing at a rapid pace. But either way here's what I believe: Sometimes things are and sometimes they are not. Sometimes they are not. Sometimes we as humans interepret reality as failure or success when they are neither. Sometimes we ignore failure when we should not and sometimes success is impossible. Either way, we still have to think carefully about what success is and then work towards it. Otherwise, our actions would seem to be meaningless. We can't ignore failure, nor can we escape it...though all of us discover it at different times which I think explains differing levels of arrogance at times. If we learn from both our successes and failures we'll be better off.
• Loss is simply painful. Growth after loss is never simple but not always painful.
• The future resists being planned. And I'm happy to say that I'm okay with it not being planned most of the times these days. Does that mean I wouldn't like to know whether I'm going to grad school or going to be able to find a job or whatever in the next few years...hell no. And yet, life without a plan has its own allures and takes a way a thick line of stress off the spine so I'm going for it as much as I can. But it would be helpful if people would stop asking the million dollar question after learning my major: "So what are you going to do with that?" GAH.
• Faith in God is an absure mix of simple and complicated, confusing and clear, frustrating and joyess. Hopefully I'll figure out a bit more in the close eventuality.

I'm 20 years old and still trying to decide whether I'm suppose to live like I'm going to be 80 or only 25. I get confused about the call to live simply and the call to not waste. I want to help bring about change but it sometimes seems impossible when the only people who get to change the world on a large scale (typed with some facetiousness) have a masters degree, a PhD and job experience. Changing on a local level seems natural and obvious but would be a lot easier if everyone was in SALT. I get tired a lot and am hoping my old level of energy kicks in. I like being the host but get nervous as the guest. I don't like being onstage unless I'm not acting or performing and I know what I'm talking about. Since that last part hasn't really happened yet most public appearances are tinged with a bit of purple embarassment. I'm learning more about my family and feeling a bit secure and a bit out of place. I enjoy watching my siblings grow up. But sadly still look about 16. I don't wish I was 21 so I could get drunk but I would like a nice glass of wine so that I can fall asleep. I get frustrated when things aren't done well but am starting to realize that frustration does not have to be an impetus towards changing it or doing it myself. I like an approrpiate level of stress as motivation but can't handle the "everything is hanging over my head" kind. My friends are precious to me. I'm going abroad in 16 days.